Echo meets the Hunter

It has been a long sleep of denial for Echo. The pain of being in a relationship with Narcissus is starting to overwhelm her and she knows she has to do something about it. She is finally able to admit that it does not make sense for Narcissus to treat her the way he does. He must not love her. Why is she risking her well being pining for him to be the way he was in the beginning of the relationship? And why is she always bending to his needs? But the pain of admitting he might not love her is unbearable and the fear of being alone it induces is terrifying.

She flees deep into the forest to get help from her nymph friends, but instead runs into a hunter. The hunter is a great tracker of large and terrifying beasts. Echo in her desperate state of mind shares her story easily.The hunter has no problem imparting  the wisdom earned from years of outsmarting the most cunning of beasts. “My dear before you can do anything you must know the truth of Narcissus. Who is this person you have cast your jewels before? It sounds like you are more afraid to be alone than anything else. To love out of fear is the love of cowards and children. Perhaps, you must recognize your fear and grow up?” There is no judgment in the hunter’s voice.

The hunter knows that even if something looks scary, once it is confronted, recognized for what it is, then it ceases to have the power to incite fear.

When Echo emerges from the forest she has a plan. She wants to know definitively if Narcissus loves her. So she decides to do an experiment to test her belief: Is everything her fault in the relationship with Narcissus? Has she done something to cause this painful treatment? After all of the pain and suffering there is still a very small part of her that knows she does not have to be miserable. A sliver of light in the dark, if she looks hard enough, that yes she is lovable somewhere, somehow.

Narcissus doesn’t usually want to go anywhere, preferring to stay at home staring deeply into the pool of his reflection. It is his safety net, like a child with a pacifier, the pool has become so all encompassing that it has taken the place of real friends, including Echo.  Narcissus has taught himself to see the calm reflection of his face in the water as the world.

Echo has made every attempt to emulate the calm perfection of the pool, but Narcissus has made sure to let her know her shortcomings. Also, he wants her to keep her mouth shut about being so damned needy and jealous. Why does she insist on bothering him about his behavior? He has done nothing wrong. She is the one that is not supportive of him.

Miraculously a few days ago, Narcissus agreed to go on a trip with Echo.He is incredibly nervous though because he has extreme difficulty not being in control and Echo is a wanderer and an adventurer (not that he cares about this at all), but she could be a possible challenge to his authority. But to prove he is a strong man, he agreed to go on this trip.

He does not care about spending time with her unless she is going to make him feel better about himself. Also, he is too cowardly to admit that he really is afraid to travel,   He is not conscious of the fact that he is terrified of leaving his pool.Echo thought he agreed to go because he wanted to spend time with her, but now as she returns home from her time in the forest she is starting to awaken to what might be really going on.

Narcissus believes Echo has proven herself unworthy of reflecting back to him the truth. He thinks she can be a liar and is not to be trusted. In fact Narcissus cannot trust anyone at all. He does not understand the world nor the people in it. He can only focus on getting his needs met and staying in control. He is like a robot when it comes to his behavior, mechanical. He responds only to the programs he had been given as a young child and is not able or willing to challenge any of them. This is mostly because he does not recognize that they are just programs. Echo needs to do better.

When Echo arrives home from the forest. She sees that Narcissus is again absorbed with his pool of water. She is nervous to go on a trip with him for fear he will abandon her or fly into a rage. They had decided to go to the high desert, far from the forest. She is not sure this is safe at all. She pictures him burying her body in a sand dune. He even has a look of relief on his face as he does it. Now she has just scared herself. This thought is too crazy she thinks. He wouldn’t hurt her unless she antagonized him somehow. She decides she is going to make this trip happen no matter what. It will give them time to figure things out and get Narcissus to stop staring into that damned pool like a crazy person.

Her thoughts put her voice on edge when she asks Narcissus “Are you ready to get online to book our tickets?”

“Leave me alone Echo! You just got home and you are already on my case.” Narcissus screams as he flies into a rage. Echo had asked him calmly. And they had already discussed getting the tickets when Echo arrived home, so he should be prepared for the question.She immediately recalls her experiment to test the waters. ‘Is everything my fault?’ she asks herself. So she stays calm, observes and says nothing.

He grabs her backpack that happens to have her heavy kryptonite bike lock in it and slams it around breaking things and almost hitting her with it.She stays calm on the outside and asks him to stop. He won’t stop. She slowly moves away from his fury. He follows her into the bedroom and this actually scares her because the room is small and he is flailing the heavy bag around. She manages to grab her purse and run out the door and all of the way down the street until she ends up at her local pub. Luckily, she sees some people she recognizes. They welcome her and invite her to join them.

She sits down and catches her breath. She looks at the people sitting at the table and just shakes her head repeating “It is not my fault. It is not my fault.” She knows she has to leave Narcissus for good. It will take all of her strength, but he is without a doubt, dangerous to her well being. She must now learn to think about herself and face her fears of being without Narcissus.



4 Ways Positive Affirmations can Backfire

I remember the first time I heard about positive thinking. I was a young child complaining to my mother about how I shouldn’t have to help wash the dishes. She said, “Whining and complaining will never get you anywhere, you need to look on the bright side.” Outraged I rebelled, ” What do you mean? There is no bright side about washing dishes.” She shook her head at me and sighed like I really didn’t get it. Something in life was completely hidden from me and for now I would just have to stew in my misery.

As I got older, I learned that as humans we each interpret the world differently and some of us have better lives than others. Some of us are more positive than others. It wasn’t until the film ‘The Secret’ came out explaining that if you think ‘it'(whatever it is you want) and focus on ‘it’ you can have ‘it’, so of course, if you have a ton of negative thoughts then you end up with a crap life manifesting the negative. Suddenly, I had been handed the keys to the kingdom, the human race is endowed with magical powers.The ball has been bounced back to our court. We are no longer at the mercy of a random universe.

The ‘Secret’ was incredibly popular at my work place. My co-workers and I jumped on that bandwagon creatively constructing gigantic vision boards with pictures of mansions and sports cars, hot pictures of men and women we wanted to marry.We became a world of possibilities. I tuned into more and more self help information and spiritual teachers. They were all saying that if you change your thoughts to the positive you can have the life you want.

So I did it: daily positive affirmations while staring at my vision board. I had felt like such a failure in the relationship department, recently divorced and still single. But I cheered myself up by putting a hot picture of Javier Bardem on the right hand corner of my board. He became my daily virtual boyfriend. Next to him I had a picture of two wedding rings linked and another picture of me and my future partner riding bikes together. Of course, I did not know who my future partner was going to be, but I believed that as long as I focused and stayed positive, I would get what I asked for.

Within 3 months of practicing my positive affirmations in front of my vision board, N asked me out. He even looked like Javier Bardem. We were a couple within a week. I thought it was kismet. In hindsight, maybe I should have been careful for what I wished for because even though I got it, I wasn’t very specific in my request for the type of partner (except for the picture of Javier). I definitely got somebody, but it was not the partner I had hoped for. Perhaps, it was the partner I needed? Maybe the universe knew better than I? Or the affirmations and vision board had nothing whatsoever to do with anything? Anyway, I can go around and around with these questions and never know the answer.

So now that I am healing after divorcing the N, I have decided to use positive affirmations and visualization again, but in a different way. I do not want my efforts to backfire.But, I am curious how they work. Most importantly I have learned that bypassing pain only prolongs the healing process.

I have found it to be helpful to be in a  positive environment surrounded by positive loving supportive people. In fact there has been some research that a positive outlook contributes to better health and well being.  This still makes sense to me, but there is something else I have found to be true this time around. Being positive does not mean that we deny negative emotions. In the past as I mentioned I used the affirmations as a way to try to get what I want rather than as part of a healing process.

One of the ways positive affirmations can backfire is when we use positive statements to drown out negative statements and painful feelings. This causes us to push the negative feelings even farther away creating even more problems. When we deny we are experiencing anything painful this requires a lot of energy to push the feelings away. It depletes our life energy force and can cause anxiety and depression because the energy has to go somewhere it will come out in symptomatic ways and also interfere with us actually being able to focus on the positive.

It can also make someone feel even worse about themselves, if they end up not believing the positive statement. Then they feel bad because they are not even able to feel positive. An antidote to this may be to reflect views that you actually hold and make the statements very specific and realistic. For example, saying a statement like ‘I am always loving.’ This sounds impossible. Instead how about: “I enjoy spending time with close friends.” This will bring positive memories, create gratitude about the friendships you have, and is doable.

Some psychologists argue that trying to correct negative thoughts can actually increase them. For example, have you noticed that when you try not to think about something you end up thinking about it even more? Steven C. Hayes is a psychologist who wrote a piece published in Time magazine titled “Happiness isn’t Normal” believes we should concentrate on identifying and committing to our values in life. He explained that once we are willing to feel our negative emotions, we’ll find it easier to commit ourselves to what we want in life. This is because even the negative emotions are informative and can help us create the life we want. We just need to know how to work with them, so that we don’t allow ourselves to self-sabotage.

Another way affirmations can backfire is by creating a lack of action. Visualizing and repeating affirmations must include some inspired action. We can get really comfortable with these practices and never actually do anything. One of my affirmations is ‘I have a healthy exercise routine and feel great.’ So I started a yoga practice that has finally become a habit. Every time I go, I really don’t want to, but I make myself because it is the habit that creates a positive mental state. Without the action then I am not receiving the benefit of the new habit.

The third way affirmations can backfire is by making us feel overly responsible about having to be a super happy positive person and guilty for not being more positive. We would have been better off not trying to be positive in the first place because now we have an additional emotion to deal with, on top of what was bothering us in the first place: the guilt for being unable to convince ourselves to be optimistic about our situation. Instead of accepting our negative feelings in the beginning and dealing with the problem directly, we waste our time and energy by judging ourselves over having perfectly normal emotions.

The last thing to watch out for when using affirmations has to do with creating expectations about how the universe is going to unfold. The notion that only good things can happen. The illusion that we are GOD and create all of reality. This idea can create powerful expectations that can be incredibly disappointing. I refer to the Serenity prayer to help keep myself more balanced. ‘God grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.’

We can always look for the wisdom and compassion within us when using tools in healing. We do the best we can becoming aware of our thoughts and how they affect our feelings. Then we can take action.

Meditation can conjure compassion and something more….

I began a fledgling meditation practice with very little background or training except for some research online. One evening, I decide to go meditate in a group setting. I chose a Tibetan Buddhist meditation called Chenrezig because the time and location are convenient. I have no idea what this type of meditation is, so I google it. Google explains ‘Chenrezig’ as a meditation devoted to the Lord of Compassion. I think I can really use an injection of compassion and perhaps get out of my own head by generating some concern for others. I have been so absorbed in my own pain. I want to change this and feed myself something good. I am hungry for any kind of relief or comfort. Pain still vibrates in my heart. N’s meat hooks are still so far into me; I feel like I am stuck hanging by my chest locked in a butcher freezer.

The meditation takes place in a lovely old craftsman house covered in prayer flags, the obvious Tibetan house on the block. I walk up the rickety stairs. Take off my shoes at the entrance. When I walk in there are cushions set up in rows with small tables and a tablet on top of each table. There are already several people sitting on cushions with perfectly straight backs silently mouthing something to themselves. I could only hear slight whispering.

I notice right away that I am the only person in the group without gray hair and am nervous about standing out as the inexperienced meditator.

Luckily, I had read the Chenrezig meditation instructions online.

‘The essence of the mind of all the buddhas and bodhisattvas is the bodhichitta, the awakened mind. When this bodhichitta assumes a form, it appears as Chenrezig, Avalokiteshvara.
Whenever we practice Avalokiteshvara, the most important aspect of the practice is the generation and development of the bodhicitta, which is the compassion that Avalokiteshvara experiences for all sentient beings. So, if we also generate this same compassion, this same awakened mind, it will be very easy for us to accomplish Avalokiteshvara because the essence of Avalokiteshvara is the bodhichitta. Thus, the blessings and the results will be very swift.’

One of the women wrapped in a deep maroon robe shows me where to sit and points out the tablet on top of the small table. She explains that we will be reciting each syllable. The syllables make up blessings in the Tibetan language and when recited out loud have powerful effects on those receiving the blessings. I am confused. Why do we recite a blessing in a language we do not understand? And if we don’t understand what we are saying then how can it have any effect on anything?

I sit down on the cushion and cross my legs. Trying to listen to the man’s prayers next to me, so I know what I am supposed to do. At least, I think he is praying. There is an altar in front of the room with three large gold Buddhas and incense burning in between the statues. I stare at one of the buddhas for a moment and then close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing.

“Hey Marin in the back. You need to behave yourself tonight ok.” The woman in the maroon robe says. She is standing to the side of the altar. I turn around and there is a long haired older man who looks like he has just fallen down and is having difficulty getting up. “Look I am here to meditate.” he shouts with his back still on the floor. “Where is my cushion?” he shouts even louder. His words are kind of slurry. The man sitting next to him tries to help him up onto a cushion, but instead has to walk him outside eventually.

The robed woman calls the meeting to order.“Ok” she says. “Welcome everyone. Let’s start the blessing by asking for names of beings.” People in the group shout out first names. Then instead of names of individual people they wish to bless, they also mention groups of people stuck in the middle of wars and natural disasters, refugees in Africa. I merely ask to bless my husband N.

N, N, N his name is my current mantra. I repeat it to myself as regularly as my heart beat. I tell the group he is struggling with mental illness and truly needs to be blessed.

We are then told by the woman in the maroon robe to read each syllable out loud and do our best to keep up with the rhythm of the group. I hope at least for the next hour these syllables would replace N’s name giving my mind something else to ponder.

I find the focus of reciting foreign syllables even more difficult than meditation. The reading and pronunciation of unintelligible syllables forces my mouth and tongue into unfamiliar positions. I try so hard to make familiar each syllable, it does the trick though because my mind is not able to wander. As we keep reciting, I do notice thoughts creep in around the syllables sneaking through the little rests begging for attention. I smile because mostly it is thoughts of boredom and not N.

A bell dings and the chanting stops abruptly. I breathe in and out and then open my eyes to look around. The room is silent and people are sitting on their cushions with their eyes closed.

I go back to my breath. It seems easier now. A bright light is slowly filling up my head, like I had lived in a dark tunnel all of my life and my insides are lighting up for the first time.

OK meditation time. I close my eyes and feel the warmth of a light and see it getting brighter.

It is strange because it looks like the light is inside my head, but there is so much space. Just then Anne my previous therapist whom I deeply respect and love blows in my head like a powerful wind. Her blonde hair disheveled, her piercing blue eyes boring into me, her powerful presence fills my mind.

First, she tries to write something to me on a dry erase board that just happens to be available in the space of my head, but for some reason I can’t quite decipher it and try to tell her so. This frustrates her greatly. She seems to have something so vital to tell me like my life or maybe her life depends on it. I believe she is about to write in her own blood to get the point across.

She grabs my face hard and looks at me deep in the eyes. I can see her perfectly sculpted lips and big white teeth coming in closer mouthing one word over and over. Finally, I get it. “FOCUS, FOCUS FOCUS” she enunciates slowly. She pulls my chin closer to her mouth and then forms the next three words carefully with her lips“ I love you!” With the emphasis on the You. She says this several times and will not allow me to look away even for a moment, snapping her fingers at me if I dare.

“FOCUS” she says again this time as she walks away. She gestures for me to follow her. Suddenly, N appears behind her. He is speaking but his words cannot be heard. I can see his face contorted with expressions of rage. She walks right up to him definitely a woman used to taming beasts and nonchalantly hits him with a stick. Not really hard just a bit of a firm tap. He collapses in a puddle of tears like a terrified child. She points at him and in a harsh matter of fact tone says while turning around and looking at me “See he is useless. This is who he is and there is nothing more.”

I begin to cry with relief. My head still full of the bright light envelops Anne. Her image disappears, but I sense her near. Then I look to my side. There is a long tunnel with more light coming out of it and a big strapping man coming toward me. I cannot see his face.

Anne whispers soothingly in my ear. I can hear her even though I can no longer see her. “Don’t worry you will meet your Tom. He is waiting for you, but for now you need to FOCUS.” (Tom is her husband and a man I adore and admire. He was also my therapist.) I cry some more “But I don’t want to be alone.” She whispers in my ear again. “You are never alone. I am always here.”

The group is reciting the syllables again. I join in after a bit because I lost track of where we are in the tablet.

This is the vision I keep close to my heart. It came at a perfect time, keeps me going and encourages me to continue meditating. I have never had another vision since and am aware that this is not the norm. I feel very grateful to have had this experience early on and to be able to use meditation as a vehicle to help transform myself. Even if one never receives a vision like this, helpful supportive information can come in many different forms to keep us going.

I divorced the N, chose a more empowering life; one based on freedom rather than fear. It was only after this vision that I knew I had the strength to create a different life. Like someone in a really bad car wreck that has to go through extensive rehabilitation to get their body back. I had to rescue myself once and for all and move on. I look at the long road ahead and have a little less resistance and something to hold onto when times get rough.

The Obsession of Echo and Narcissus:To Live and Die By the Whim of a Narcissist

I have told my own stories about falling in love with a Narcissus like evil cold cruel man who caused me a tremendous amount of suffering. The stories are all variations of disintegration of love into cruelty with his disguised intent to destroy me and take my soul. I have told people I thought he was possessed by a demon. I even refer to him as N in all of my articles as an easy way to categorize him, but also if I am really honest, a way to dehumanize him.  I do not know why the N behaves the way he does or what it is really like to be him. I can only explain my own mind and behavior and will admit that I was obsessed with the N. My life became his very similar to the disappearance of Echo’s life. I lost my voice except as a reflection of his.

The phase of the relationship where I began to disappear was when I recognized that he had turned away from me toward the pool of his own reflection. I did not use these terms to describe the experience, but it happened nonetheless. I began to fill in the emptiness with my own stories. I tried to control him, to pin him down, to lasso him, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t get him to face and see me anymore. I hated my dependency on my need for his approval. I hated that my own pool of need for his love was bottomless. I cannot compete with the N’s image of himself. I didn’t exist to the N.

The  Story of Narcissus and Echo ,the mythical couple immortalized in the literature of the Greeks and Romans. I read the story and thought that Narcissus was so self absorbed that he caused his untimely demise. And because he was so self absorbed, he was purposely cruel to poor Echo. He caused her to disappear completely leaving only the sound of her reflective voice. Is Echo really an unwilling victim and Narcissus a calculated victimizer? I mean both were such different beings before they were overcome with their obsessions.

Both characters are the epitome of self absorbed just in different ways. Narcissus is obsessed with himself and Echo is obsessed with Narcissus. Both are completely shut out from the larger world, the bigger picture and in other words access to a bigger self. Their worlds have become small, narrow, self focused, and meaningless. Their pursuit to get and receive love ultimately kills both of them. They do not care for others. They do not give back to the community. They do not have a spiritual practice or time for exercise. They are both addicts strung out on a craving for an ultimate love that does not exist in the form they pursue and yet they give their lives for it.  The roots of obsession go deep into the hearts and souls of both characters.

Kristin Dombek states in her essay ‘The Selfishness of Others: An Essay on the Fear of Narcissism: “the future is always trying to feel like the past. When it does, it feels like selfishness, hurt, loss, at the hands of others.”  This also sounds a lot like moving through the attachment phases in child development. When we don’t learn how to grieve the past (not only from abuse that can severely disrupt development stages, but the stages of development themselves can also be very challenging and can incur powerful feelings of fear and loss) and let it go, we will forever be destined to repeat the loss. It is deep ungrieved losses that carve the vacancy the obsession is trying to fill with one’s self or another person.  For some of us this can cause our utter downfall. As Kristin says “the trick is to let it empty”.

I learned that I had to let go of my past pain. I had to face grief and emptiness and all of the parts of myself that I had buried long ago.  Only a Narcissus like man could generate enough pain in me that I was forced to look at my fear of being left and rejected.  When I say past pain I am talking about a time in my childhood where I felt rejected and abandoned. In order to cope I adapted myself to the situation by becoming a specific role: a caretaker, sometimes a rebel all the while burying my own needs desperate to return to the time when I felt loved and protected.

If only Echo had faced her fears and switched the focus from Narcissus to herself, she could have begun the process of healing and gotten her voice back. To be continued…



RULE # 10 Stay out of drama! This includes all other people’s drama

After going no contact with my ex N, I thought I had gotten rid of my problems. But I began having troubles with a friend. I invited him over one night for drinks. Things got a little sloppy and in our drunkenness he declared his love for me. He had a girlfriend. I played along with it a bit not caring for his girlfriend’s feelings or respecting my own boundaries. I just ate up the attention out of loneliness, desperate for love and affection. I hadn’t realized how much I missed male attention. I knew I was not interested in him as more than a friend and had felt this from the beginning of our friendship.  But I let him hit on me anyway. I lied to him by leading him on. I got in between a guy and his girlfriend. I made excuses by saying things to myself like this is OK because he had cheated on his girlfriend before. He had told his friends repeatedly that he was going to break up with her anyway. I blamed it on the alcohol.

A few days later he confessed to her that he hit on me and blamed me for encouraging him to stray. I felt really bad for her especially after the betrayal I had been through with my ex N, so I broke off the friendship with him and avoided him as much as possible. This is not the first time that I had allowed his drama to affect me with me going along with it. He tried contacting me for a while after this incident, but I ignored him. 

I have a powerful tendency to distract myself with drama. Drama consists of engaging, interfering, and gossiping regarding other people’s business that has nothing to do with me and my focus on creating a positive environment. It is difficult and painful to deal with feelings of fear, loneliness, or vulnerability, but I can’t heal unless I give myself the space to do it and face all of my fears. When I get bored or want to avoid sitting with my own discomfort I will go looking for distractions. I will make friends with people who don’t really care about me, but need a lot of attention and help. This keeps me busy and therefore distracted from my own suffering or discomfort. If I am not careful, I can let other people’s problems become my own.

After that dramatic distraction, I decided that it is time to pay attention to my rules and get my head clear . Thankfully, within a few weeks, I was rewarded with a steadiness, a peace growing within me, a quiet confidence. Sometimes it is just there like a gentle wind. I feel it blow in, like an old friend. I don’t even have to think about it, but if try to hold on to it like most things it fades.

For me it takes effort cultivated daily to remind myself not to slip into my habits and stories. I do not want to fall into suffering. I  do not want to rely on the outside world to solve my problems.  ‘Everything in the external world is impermanent’ as the Buddhists say. When I revert to my old dramas I rely on the external world to define me whether it is through escape with addiction, distraction with drama, or even material objects. It is all attachment and this always breeds suffering (the first noble truth of Buddhism).  It creates the perpetrators and the victims among us. But the good news is suffering can wake us up, so that it is no longer meaningless and remind us of who we really are, but we have to avoid being distracted by drama.


Rule # 9 Set Boundaries from Day 1

What is a boundary anyway? When I use the word boundary it is in terms of relationship to one’s self and others within the physical, mental, psychological and spiritual worlds. They reflect beliefs and emotions. I love Melanie Tonia Evans description of boundaries in her book  ‘How to Understand and Implement Boundaries’,“If we were to think of ourselves as a ship with a hull, we can understand the true meaning of the term ‘personal integrity’. Upholding our personal integrity means that we keep the ‘good’ in (in matters of the ship ‘air’) and the ‘bad’ out (in matters of the ship ‘water’). In relation to our own personal sense, the ‘good’ is healthy self esteem, and the ‘bad’ is damage from life and others, that can seriously compromise our self esteem.”

The dynamics are set from day one in a relationship and for the most part, do not change unless one or both members significantly change themselves. I try to establish boundaries from the beginning of any relationship. The following are the questions I ask myself when setting a boundary:

How much of this is true about me?

How much of this is about the other person?

What do I need to do (if anything) to regain my personal power or stand up for myself?

This last question is very important. Too often I do not stand up for myself by avoiding confrontation and end up weakening my internal shield, making it harder to set boundaries at all. So, if someone offends me, it may be necessary to let them know in order to protect and strengthen my boundaries.

The hardest thing for me when it comes to boundaries are maintaining and enforcing them. Ns do not care about the other person’s feelings. Other people are only objects to serve them.

When I was in a relationship with my ex N, I found out he went on a date while I was out of town. He lied and denied when I asked him about it, but I knew it had happened. This was not the first time he had betrayed me nor would it be the last. I set a boundary by asking him to move out. He did, but I allowed him to still see me and eventually he slithered his way back in. I did not enforce my boundary to stay away from him and focus on myself. I knew I did not want to be with someone who I couldn’t trust and betrayed me, but my fears  (see rule #8)  were greater than my need to take care of myself.

Boundaries shape the way others treat us. I am the only person responsible for my journey in my life. It is up to me to take care of myself, to create safety and a positive environment for myself, to know who I am and what I want.

Knowing who I am and what I want is an ongoing life experiment.  I know that I want to be in a positive environment and can only do that when I set and enforce boundaries.

If I do not agree with something then I can leave a situation or sometimes I can just say something as simple as “I am not comfortable with that.” When I say that then I have to stick to it. I just don’t say I am uncomfortable and then try to participate in the uncomfortable situation. I have to match my behavior to what I say. Also, it is important to practice saying no to things that I don’t want to do or be involved with. I can be very accommodating and people pleasing, so it is important for me to know what I want in a situation and speak up.

Rule #8 Don’t let the Narcissist make me question myself


I got to a point in my relationship with an N where I was so completely fear based. I actually lived in a hyper alert terror state. I knew I was being gradually discarded by the N even after all my effort and accommodation to stop it. I felt completely worthless and fearful of being alone and rejected.

I thought everything happening was my fault. I mean what if the N doesn’t love me anymore? I couldn’t live with the idea that the N doesn’t love me anymore. What if I don’t deserve love? What if I can’t live without him?

I did not know at the time that nothing going on was really about me. I did not know that Ns follow predictable phases in a relationship and they treat all their victims in a similar manner.

The way the N in my life typically used fear against me was by getting me to question who I was as a person. He started with picking on my hobbies and the things I wanted to be good at. He had a way of getting me to question my abilities, so that I no longer wanted to do the things I enjoyed and was good at.

There was one interaction that happened a few months into the relationship that would have been a clue to what was coming. I had always loved writing, so I decided to share a piece of writing with the N. I had shared this piece in the past with several friends and family and it had been well regarded. He eviscerated each and every sentence and told me I didn’t know what I was talking about. I fought him on it. Because the relationship was in its early stages I had a lot of fight in me still.

I had never had anyone be so critical of my writing before. It seemed out of line. This turned into an argument that lasted well over an hour and basically was him repeating in various ways how stupid I am and that I should never try to write. I defended myself repeatedly and told him that perhaps he didn’t have the knowledge to understand what I had written. This was me being critical of him of course and made the argument much worse. I had no idea what I was dealing with. I had no idea that telling him he didn’t understand something would result in an ongoing punishment that would be hashed out throughout the rest of our relationship.

First, I vowed to never share my writing with him again. But I then stopped writing shortly after this argument. Instead of walking away from the relationship, I internalized what he said about my writing and me. I should give up what I enjoyed because I was not any good at it anyway, so why make the effort?

If I allow fear of whether a person approves of me or not to define what feelings and thoughts I identify with, this causes all sorts of suffering. To stop the suffering I had to recognize that I must define myself based on myself only.

I will  give another example of a way the N got me to question myself. This incident also occurred early on in the relationship. The N and I went bike riding together. It was perhaps a three hour ride. Not exactly the flattest ride either; there were many hills interspersed. At the time I rode my bike almost daily and up a lot of hills. I felt I was in good shape. He had a street bike compared to my hybrid with wider wheels, so his bike would definitely go faster. Anyway, he sped way ahead of me. I tried to catch up, but it was too tiring for me and I wasn’t enjoying the ride. I told him to go ahead of me if he wanted and I would catch up. Many days later he told me that I seemed very insecure about my bike riding abilities and it really put a damper on the ride. I believed him, that I came across as insecure and on top of that was a very slow bike rider and really no fun to ride bikes with anyway.

I can start with trusting myself to be able to observe a situation accurately. I must tune into my mind and body and be mindful of my speech. I must be able to say what is going on with me without making it about the other person. Then I can set boundaries and stick to them. Becoming responsible for myself creates strength and makes it much less likely that I am going to question myself and give up the things that are important to me. This is a better feeling than being afraid of not being liked and it prevents being hurt by a person rejecting me as well. It is this inner strength that enables me to focus on more important pursuits like enjoying life or being creative and being able to actually love another person and receive love from another person.


Rule # 7 Don’t let the narcissist tell me who or what I am.


Ns give a lot of critical unsolicited advice and backhanded compliments. For example, I put my hair in a ponytail. The N says after hanging out with me for a bit “You look prettier with your hair back.” This is an example of a backhanded compliment. I pay attention to the way it is phrased too. He is trying to aggress (I use this word instead of assert because a backhanded compliment is also a passive aggressive control tactic).

A real compliment from a genuine person who cares would go something like this. “I really like your hair like that.” or merely “You look beautiful so relaxed carefree.” C’mon narcissists, you really should get better at your game! Make a real oservation about the person you supposedly care about. An N cannot actually compliment anyone in any genuine way because he is too self absorbed and power oriented, so all of his compliments come from a place of aggressing control. He tells me how I am supposed to be to please him and control me, the end, bottom line. He assumes that I will bust my arse to comply or he will  get rid of me quickly.

In the past, my need for love and approval won over taking care of myself. I try not to take this path again because  it will kill the self esteem I have built for myself. This must be taken seriously at all times  The narcissist game of undermining who I think I am as a person, it is their ‘Modus Operandi’ to conquer body speech and mind then steal the soul. There are no breaks,no lulls, and there is never a time this game is not being played.

At first I didn’t notice the contempt underneath the N’s veneer, so I clung to all advice or compliments to the point that I would feel incredibly stressed without the N’s approval.

I learned that I cannot listen to what the N says even if I think it may be a compliment. This is when it is important to work on self esteem and a strong sense of self which I did not have at the time. So I began to go through the motions of doing things that built self esteem.

I always have to remember I define myself always not anyone else. I started activities where I could only build myself up. For me it was exercise, pursuing a discipline of yoga. I started small with one to two classes per week to four times per week now. Also, I love bike riding. Even a short ride could get me away from the N and help clear my head.


RULE # 6 Do not assume the warm feelings I have for the Narcissist are at all reciprocated

I want to be loved and feel close to someone I am really attracted to. Now here is the catch: when I say ‘attracted to’, I mean someone I think I am attracted to. I must remind myself how well I know the N because mostly what I am attracted to is unconscious. I am not aware of the role I am playing or the role I expect the other person to play.  I am recreating a familiar situation in the present that is similar to my childhood experiences. Not everyone in a relationship with a narcissist has familiar childhood experiences. But for me when I looked at my past relationships, I noticed a similar pattern of care taking in order to not be left by my partner. I connected this to my parental models and the role I played in my family.

Also, the chemical aspect of the attraction is like heroin and just like any drug it creates a lull in the mental mind where the rational part ceases and the part of me that desperately wants to reenact (the sad neglected inner child who is not good enough) is in control of picking my partners. All of us are susceptible to this. We just have different past patterns. The more unaware I am of my past and the more I neglect this small child part of me, the needier it becomes. Then the more likely I am to repeat the past again with another scary guy at the helm of my ship. I mean would you let a toddler pick your husband?

Even if an N appears to be loving in the moment, the N won’t be loving long term and can switch moods on a dime. It is during the Devalue/Discard phase in the relationship that they begin to chase after newer shinier objects; other victims to fulfill their need for validation.

My N told me after we broke up that he never had any feelings for me. He saw the relationship like a business transaction. I found an unusual N who actually admitted truths about himself after we broke up. He pretended the feelings because he thought that was what he was supposed to do to get what he wanted.

Again an N does not think like me. In fact it is questionable if my ex N felt anything beyond rage and contempt. The charm and good looks wear off fast and I was left with a very sick and sad person. The worst part of it is I blamed myself for not being good enough.


Rule #5 Do not fix, care take, mend, or use any kind of psychological tools to change a Narcissist

AGAIN I REPEAT: Do not go to fixing, helping, and explaining. Ns will suck you in. This will result in basically explaining away all of their negative treatment. Receiving help from me was typically used in this manner. George K. Simon discusses in his book regarding dealing with disturbed characters, “Help is not chasing after someone to give them something we think is of value even when they haven’t asked for it and show no appreciation for it.” He goes on to explain that in offering help to someone who shows no willingness to change and has probably already heard the same thing many times, we inevitably end up in a position to be hurt and increase their ability to continue their bad behavior.

I choose men that need my help. According to my therapists, I fear real intimacy. The therapists say I feel unworthy of it in my own right, so this working and care taking, hitting my head against a wall of sheer impossibility is like crack to me. I see someone floundering and he is attractive. This lights my need to feel indispensable by fixing and helping. It creates a bond of attachment and dependency that many times I misinterpret as love or connection. The minute I find myself having discussions about bad childhoods, or really bad horrible traumas or mean exes or scary drug addictions especially mixed with bad behavior (e.g. lying, withholding pertinent information, sex addiction) is a signal to me that I should be walking away not helping.

We all have baggage. The N has to take care of his. The best way to take care of him anyway is to be strong and centered and to not feed bad behavior through my pattern of care taking behaviors.  Be ready to walk away in face of bad behavior because it is not worth it.

Trying to help will make the behavior worse. Let me repeat this to myself because it is a very important point: helping him will hurt me and make him worse.

In my relationship with N there was constant crisis. He always needed something; from unrelenting emotional support to money loans. One night in the middle of winter he had driven us up to an outlet mall about 45 minutes from our home to do some Christmas shopping. On the way back we got pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper said that there was a warrant out for N’s arrest. N had thousands of dollars in unpaid parking tickets, had not paid his renewal for his car plates, and was driving with an expired driver’s license. The trooper kicked us out on the side of the freeway and told us to walk to the next rest station. It was below freezing outside. We walked to the rest station where there was still no heat and about an hour later a friend finally picked us up. The next day instead of taking care of these issues, he was driving again after getting his car out of tow. I never knew he had these tickets and we had been together for over a year. He needed help with all of these things, so I went with him to get his license and lent him money for the towing. This was just icing on the cake. The lies, rage and withholding of information only continued to get worse after this.

If I find myself in this situation again, I will  try to notice how much he blames me and how often I believe him. If my self talk becomes the following: ‘the problems in the relationship are my fault and there is tons of stuff wrong with me’, it is time to take a trip, get on a bus, or go to a friend’s house. Take a break in anyway possible.

I was so focused on N and his behavior that I never checked in with myself. I wanted to know whether  N’s motivation was conscious or not? I wanted  to predict his behavior, control it or in desperation attempt to get back the initial charming soul mate from the beginning of the relationship. I wanted to help him so much, so that he would never leave me.

I never looked at myself and asked why I was doing what I was doing. Why am I so exhausted and why are things getting worse? I needed to turn the lense on myself and look at my fears of abandonment and willingness to fix this relationship at the cost to myself; instead of heading straight down the road paved with previous codependents’ flesh and blood all sacrificed on the altar of N’s confused emptiness.