After going no contact with my ex N, I thought I had gotten rid of my problems. But I began having troubles with a friend. I invited him over one night for drinks. Things got a little sloppy and in our drunkenness he declared his love for me. He had a girlfriend. I played along with it a bit not caring for his girlfriend’s feelings or respecting my own boundaries. I just ate up the attention out of loneliness, desperate for love and affection. I hadn’t realized how much I missed male attention. I knew I was not interested in him as more than a friend and had felt this from the beginning of our friendship. But I let him hit on me anyway. I lied to him by leading him on. I got in between a guy and his girlfriend. I made excuses by saying things to myself like this is OK because he had cheated on his girlfriend before. He had told his friends repeatedly that he was going to break up with her anyway. I blamed it on the alcohol.
A few days later he confessed to her that he hit on me and blamed me for encouraging him to stray. I felt really bad for her especially after the betrayal I had been through with my ex N, so I broke off the friendship with him and avoided him as much as possible. This is not the first time that I had allowed his drama to affect me with me going along with it. He tried contacting me for a while after this incident, but I ignored him.
I have a powerful tendency to distract myself with drama. Drama consists of engaging, interfering, and gossiping regarding other people’s business that has nothing to do with me and my focus on creating a positive environment. It is difficult and painful to deal with feelings of fear, loneliness, or vulnerability, but I can’t heal unless I give myself the space to do it and face all of my fears. When I get bored or want to avoid sitting with my own discomfort I will go looking for distractions. I will make friends with people who don’t really care about me, but need a lot of attention and help. This keeps me busy and therefore distracted from my own suffering or discomfort. If I am not careful, I can let other people’s problems become my own.
After that dramatic distraction, I decided that it is time to pay attention to my rules and get my head clear . Thankfully, within a few weeks, I was rewarded with a steadiness, a peace growing within me, a quiet confidence. Sometimes it is just there like a gentle wind. I feel it blow in, like an old friend. I don’t even have to think about it, but if try to hold on to it like most things it fades.
For me it takes effort cultivated daily to remind myself not to slip into my habits and stories. I do not want to fall into suffering. I do not want to rely on the outside world to solve my problems. ‘Everything in the external world is impermanent’ as the Buddhists say. When I revert to my old dramas I rely on the external world to define me whether it is through escape with addiction, distraction with drama, or even material objects. It is all attachment and this always breeds suffering (the first noble truth of Buddhism). It creates the perpetrators and the victims among us. But the good news is suffering can wake us up, so that it is no longer meaningless and remind us of who we really are, but we have to avoid being distracted by drama.