I want to be loved and feel close to someone I am really attracted to. Now here is the catch: when I say ‘attracted to’, I mean someone I think I am attracted to. I must remind myself how well I know the N because mostly what I am attracted to is unconscious. I am not aware of the role I am playing or the role I expect the other person to play. I am recreating a familiar situation in the present that is similar to my childhood experiences. Not everyone in a relationship with a narcissist has familiar childhood experiences. But for me when I looked at my past relationships, I noticed a similar pattern of care taking in order to not be left by my partner. I connected this to my parental models and the role I played in my family.
Also, the chemical aspect of the attraction is like heroin and just like any drug it creates a lull in the mental mind where the rational part ceases and the part of me that desperately wants to reenact (the sad neglected inner child who is not good enough) is in control of picking my partners. All of us are susceptible to this. We just have different past patterns. The more unaware I am of my past and the more I neglect this small child part of me, the needier it becomes. Then the more likely I am to repeat the past again with another scary guy at the helm of my ship. I mean would you let a toddler pick your husband?
Even if an N appears to be loving in the moment, the N won’t be loving long term and can switch moods on a dime. It is during the Devalue/Discard phase in the relationship that they begin to chase after newer shinier objects; other victims to fulfill their need for validation.
My N told me after we broke up that he never had any feelings for me. He saw the relationship like a business transaction. I found an unusual N who actually admitted truths about himself after we broke up. He pretended the feelings because he thought that was what he was supposed to do to get what he wanted.
Again an N does not think like me. In fact it is questionable if my ex N felt anything beyond rage and contempt. The charm and good looks wear off fast and I was left with a very sick and sad person. The worst part of it is I blamed myself for not being good enough.