AGAIN I REPEAT: Do not go to fixing, helping, and explaining. Ns will suck you in. This will result in basically explaining away all of their negative treatment. Receiving help from me was typically used in this manner. George K. Simon discusses in his book regarding dealing with disturbed characters, “Help is not chasing after someone to give them something we think is of value even when they haven’t asked for it and show no appreciation for it.” He goes on to explain that in offering help to someone who shows no willingness to change and has probably already heard the same thing many times, we inevitably end up in a position to be hurt and increase their ability to continue their bad behavior.
I choose men that need my help. According to my therapists, I fear real intimacy. The therapists say I feel unworthy of it in my own right, so this working and care taking, hitting my head against a wall of sheer impossibility is like crack to me. I see someone floundering and he is attractive. This lights my need to feel indispensable by fixing and helping. It creates a bond of attachment and dependency that many times I misinterpret as love or connection. The minute I find myself having discussions about bad childhoods, or really bad horrible traumas or mean exes or scary drug addictions especially mixed with bad behavior (e.g. lying, withholding pertinent information, sex addiction) is a signal to me that I should be walking away not helping.
We all have baggage. The N has to take care of his. The best way to take care of him anyway is to be strong and centered and to not feed bad behavior through my pattern of care taking behaviors. Be ready to walk away in face of bad behavior because it is not worth it.
Trying to help will make the behavior worse. Let me repeat this to myself because it is a very important point: helping him will hurt me and make him worse.
In my relationship with N there was constant crisis. He always needed something; from unrelenting emotional support to money loans. One night in the middle of winter he had driven us up to an outlet mall about 45 minutes from our home to do some Christmas shopping. On the way back we got pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper said that there was a warrant out for N’s arrest. N had thousands of dollars in unpaid parking tickets, had not paid his renewal for his car plates, and was driving with an expired driver’s license. The trooper kicked us out on the side of the freeway and told us to walk to the next rest station. It was below freezing outside. We walked to the rest station where there was still no heat and about an hour later a friend finally picked us up. The next day instead of taking care of these issues, he was driving again after getting his car out of tow. I never knew he had these tickets and we had been together for over a year. He needed help with all of these things, so I went with him to get his license and lent him money for the towing. This was just icing on the cake. The lies, rage and withholding of information only continued to get worse after this.
If I find myself in this situation again, I will try to notice how much he blames me and how often I believe him. If my self talk becomes the following: ‘the problems in the relationship are my fault and there is tons of stuff wrong with me’, it is time to take a trip, get on a bus, or go to a friend’s house. Take a break in anyway possible.
I was so focused on N and his behavior that I never checked in with myself. I wanted to know whether N’s motivation was conscious or not? I wanted to predict his behavior, control it or in desperation attempt to get back the initial charming soul mate from the beginning of the relationship. I wanted to help him so much, so that he would never leave me.
I never looked at myself and asked why I was doing what I was doing. Why am I so exhausted and why are things getting worse? I needed to turn the lense on myself and look at my fears of abandonment and willingness to fix this relationship at the cost to myself; instead of heading straight down the road paved with previous codependents’ flesh and blood all sacrificed on the altar of N’s confused emptiness.