Queen of Denial. I am not Cleopatra

It took me a while to come to the realization that yes I am being abused because I always said to myself ‘it takes two to tango, I am an aggressive button pusher, all relationships are 50/50′. A narcissist has a lovely way of enhancing these beliefs and making everything feel not just 50/50, but 100 to 0 in their favor.

The ups and downs and highs and lows of my relationship to a narcissist caused me to constantly question the nature of reality. I went with his version of gravity for a while. This process occurred slowly and subtly until it was normal for him to control my world.

When I first got away from him I was so disoriented. I had made myself leave for physical safety reasons, but I didn’t want to actually leave him. In the moment, the only thing I was sure of, was his rage was out of control and had scared me. It would take multiple attempts over two years for me to permanently sever myself from him. Meanwhile, after stepping out of the initial shock of pain of our first break up; I was desperate to figure out what was happening to us and how to fix it asap, so everything would be ok.

I read everything I could get my jaws into like a voracious shark. I swallowed whole books about personality disorders, abuse survivor stories, and techniques for changing myself.

I learned from the books I read that his behavior was verbally and physically abusive, but didn’t I cause it? I had researched narcissism and believed that he had some of the character traits, but definitely not all. I mean I was never afraid he was going to kill me, but maybe hurt me. I mean he had hurt me, but he isn’t that dangerous. I would never allow someone to really abuse me. We are just two people who are troubled and can work on ourselves.

We can fix this. I even found a book called ‘Disarming the Narcissist’ that actually offered techniques to help me with my possible narcissist. This is hope. I will try these and we can still get back together. Also, I can be a better person for him. The few people who heard my side of the troubles usually said things like ‘Oh well just chalk it up to: you two are not a good match.’ This explanation never felt right and made me insanely angry.

I didn’t believe for a second we were a bad match and railed against any insinuation of this. I wanted him back. No matter all of the pain and suffering. I told myself it was mostly my fault anyway. I would do anything for another moment with him. Oh to be in the bliss of his full attention, my favorite place of all time was perched high on his pedestal, showered with his approval. This is what I could not live without. I believed he must love me. We connect like sacred soul mates.. I would put up with anything, be anything, change anything to repeat these moments on high. I have never felt like this about anyone. I tell myself we are only apart right now because we both need to work on ourselves individually.

I remember people commenting on our connection and how electrical and amazing it was. How they only wished they could have a connection like we do. I felt so high sometimes like we were floating above it all  with nothing to tether us to this world and only the stars to guide us on our path to bliss higher and higher. Yet what they didn’t see and what I refused to see was my gradual withdrawal from my former life.  There was something very wrong, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I was falling apart. All I had to do was look at my face in the mirror and watch it get thinner by the day. I was losing a lot of weight and felt afraid most of the time. I covered up the fear with copious amounts of alcohol.

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