For every light there is a dark. For every high there is a low. This is the natural balance of the universe in all things. Ok I expect the highs and lows with drugs and alcohol, but should a rela…
Source: Nothing left to Barter
For every light there is a dark. For every high there is a low. This is the natural balance of the universe in all things. Ok I expect the highs and lows with drugs and alcohol, but should a rela…
Source: Nothing left to Barter
After going no contact with my ex N, I thought I had gotten rid of my problems. But I began having troubles with a friend. I invited him over one night for drinks. Things got a little sloppy and in our drunkenness he declared his love for me. He had a girlfriend. I played along with it a bit not caring for his girlfriend’s feelings or respecting my own boundaries. I just ate up the attention out of loneliness, desperate for love and affection. I hadn’t realized how much I missed male attention. I knew I was not interested in him as more than a friend and had felt this from the beginning of our friendship. But I let him hit on me anyway. I lied to him by leading him on. I got in between a guy and his girlfriend. I made excuses by saying things to myself like this is OK because he had cheated on his girlfriend before. He had told his friends repeatedly that he was going to break up with her anyway. I blamed it on the alcohol.
A few days later he confessed to her that he hit on me and blamed me for encouraging him to stray. I felt really bad for her especially after the betrayal I had been through with my ex N, so I broke off the friendship with him and avoided him as much as possible. This is not the first time that I had allowed his drama to affect me with me going along with it. He tried contacting me for a while after this incident, but I ignored him.
I have a powerful tendency to distract myself with drama. Drama consists of engaging, interfering, and gossiping regarding other people’s business that has nothing to do with me and my focus on creating a positive environment. It is difficult and painful to deal with feelings of fear, loneliness, or vulnerability, but I can’t heal unless I give myself the space to do it and face all of my fears. When I get bored or want to avoid sitting with my own discomfort I will go looking for distractions. I will make friends with people who don’t really care about me, but need a lot of attention and help. This keeps me busy and therefore distracted from my own suffering or discomfort. If I am not careful, I can let other people’s problems become my own.
After that dramatic distraction, I decided that it is time to pay attention to my rules and get my head clear . Thankfully, within a few weeks, I was rewarded with a steadiness, a peace growing within me, a quiet confidence. Sometimes it is just there like a gentle wind. I feel it blow in, like an old friend. I don’t even have to think about it, but if try to hold on to it like most things it fades.
For me it takes effort cultivated daily to remind myself not to slip into my habits and stories. I do not want to fall into suffering. I do not want to rely on the outside world to solve my problems. ‘Everything in the external world is impermanent’ as the Buddhists say. When I revert to my old dramas I rely on the external world to define me whether it is through escape with addiction, distraction with drama, or even material objects. It is all attachment and this always breeds suffering (the first noble truth of Buddhism). It creates the perpetrators and the victims among us. But the good news is suffering can wake us up, so that it is no longer meaningless and remind us of who we really are, but we have to avoid being distracted by drama.
What is a boundary anyway? When I use the word boundary it is in terms of relationship to one’s self and others within the physical, mental, psychological and spiritual worlds. They reflect beliefs and emotions. I love Melanie Tonia Evans description of boundaries in her book ‘How to Understand and Implement Boundaries’,“If we were to think of ourselves as a ship with a hull, we can understand the true meaning of the term ‘personal integrity’. Upholding our personal integrity means that we keep the ‘good’ in (in matters of the ship ‘air’) and the ‘bad’ out (in matters of the ship ‘water’). In relation to our own personal sense, the ‘good’ is healthy self esteem, and the ‘bad’ is damage from life and others, that can seriously compromise our self esteem.”
The dynamics are set from day one in a relationship and for the most part, do not change unless one or both members significantly change themselves. I try to establish boundaries from the beginning of any relationship. The following are the questions I ask myself when setting a boundary:
How much of this is true about me?
How much of this is about the other person?
What do I need to do (if anything) to regain my personal power or stand up for myself?
This last question is very important. Too often I do not stand up for myself by avoiding confrontation and end up weakening my internal shield, making it harder to set boundaries at all. So, if someone offends me, it may be necessary to let them know in order to protect and strengthen my boundaries.
The hardest thing for me when it comes to boundaries are maintaining and enforcing them. Ns do not care about the other person’s feelings. Other people are only objects to serve them.
When I was in a relationship with my ex N, I found out he went on a date while I was out of town. He lied and denied when I asked him about it, but I knew it had happened. This was not the first time he had betrayed me nor would it be the last. I set a boundary by asking him to move out. He did, but I allowed him to still see me and eventually he slithered his way back in. I did not enforce my boundary to stay away from him and focus on myself. I knew I did not want to be with someone who I couldn’t trust and betrayed me, but my fears (see rule #8) were greater than my need to take care of myself.
Boundaries shape the way others treat us. I am the only person responsible for my journey in my life. It is up to me to take care of myself, to create safety and a positive environment for myself, to know who I am and what I want.
Knowing who I am and what I want is an ongoing life experiment. I know that I want to be in a positive environment and can only do that when I set and enforce boundaries.
If I do not agree with something then I can leave a situation or sometimes I can just say something as simple as “I am not comfortable with that.” When I say that then I have to stick to it. I just don’t say I am uncomfortable and then try to participate in the uncomfortable situation. I have to match my behavior to what I say. Also, it is important to practice saying no to things that I don’t want to do or be involved with. I can be very accommodating and people pleasing, so it is important for me to know what I want in a situation and speak up.
I got to a point in my relationship with an N where I was so completely fear based. I actually lived in a hyper alert terror state. I knew I was being gradually discarded by the N even after all my effort and accommodation to stop it. I felt completely worthless and fearful of being alone and rejected.
I thought everything happening was my fault. I mean what if the N doesn’t love me anymore? I couldn’t live with the idea that the N doesn’t love me anymore. What if I don’t deserve love? What if I can’t live without him?
I did not know at the time that nothing going on was really about me. I did not know that Ns follow predictable phases in a relationship and they treat all their victims in a similar manner.
The way the N in my life typically used fear against me was by getting me to question who I was as a person. He started with picking on my hobbies and the things I wanted to be good at. He had a way of getting me to question my abilities, so that I no longer wanted to do the things I enjoyed and was good at.
There was one interaction that happened a few months into the relationship that would have been a clue to what was coming. I had always loved writing, so I decided to share a piece of writing with the N. I had shared this piece in the past with several friends and family and it had been well regarded. He eviscerated each and every sentence and told me I didn’t know what I was talking about. I fought him on it. Because the relationship was in its early stages I had a lot of fight in me still.
I had never had anyone be so critical of my writing before. It seemed out of line. This turned into an argument that lasted well over an hour and basically was him repeating in various ways how stupid I am and that I should never try to write. I defended myself repeatedly and told him that perhaps he didn’t have the knowledge to understand what I had written. This was me being critical of him of course and made the argument much worse. I had no idea what I was dealing with. I had no idea that telling him he didn’t understand something would result in an ongoing punishment that would be hashed out throughout the rest of our relationship.
First, I vowed to never share my writing with him again. But I then stopped writing shortly after this argument. Instead of walking away from the relationship, I internalized what he said about my writing and me. I should give up what I enjoyed because I was not any good at it anyway, so why make the effort?
If I allow fear of whether a person approves of me or not to define what feelings and thoughts I identify with, this causes all sorts of suffering. To stop the suffering I had to recognize that I must define myself based on myself only.
I will give another example of a way the N got me to question myself. This incident also occurred early on in the relationship. The N and I went bike riding together. It was perhaps a three hour ride. Not exactly the flattest ride either; there were many hills interspersed. At the time I rode my bike almost daily and up a lot of hills. I felt I was in good shape. He had a street bike compared to my hybrid with wider wheels, so his bike would definitely go faster. Anyway, he sped way ahead of me. I tried to catch up, but it was too tiring for me and I wasn’t enjoying the ride. I told him to go ahead of me if he wanted and I would catch up. Many days later he told me that I seemed very insecure about my bike riding abilities and it really put a damper on the ride. I believed him, that I came across as insecure and on top of that was a very slow bike rider and really no fun to ride bikes with anyway.
I can start with trusting myself to be able to observe a situation accurately. I must tune into my mind and body and be mindful of my speech. I must be able to say what is going on with me without making it about the other person. Then I can set boundaries and stick to them. Becoming responsible for myself creates strength and makes it much less likely that I am going to question myself and give up the things that are important to me. This is a better feeling than being afraid of not being liked and it prevents being hurt by a person rejecting me as well. It is this inner strength that enables me to focus on more important pursuits like enjoying life or being creative and being able to actually love another person and receive love from another person.
Ns give a lot of critical unsolicited advice and backhanded compliments. For example, I put my hair in a ponytail. The N says after hanging out with me for a bit “You look prettier with your hair back.” This is an example of a backhanded compliment. I pay attention to the way it is phrased too. He is trying to aggress (I use this word instead of assert because a backhanded compliment is also a passive aggressive control tactic).
A real compliment from a genuine person who cares would go something like this. “I really like your hair like that.” or merely “You look beautiful so relaxed carefree.” C’mon narcissists, you really should get better at your game! Make a real oservation about the person you supposedly care about. An N cannot actually compliment anyone in any genuine way because he is too self absorbed and power oriented, so all of his compliments come from a place of aggressing control. He tells me how I am supposed to be to please him and control me, the end, bottom line. He assumes that I will bust my arse to comply or he will get rid of me quickly.
In the past, my need for love and approval won over taking care of myself. I try not to take this path again because it will kill the self esteem I have built for myself. This must be taken seriously at all times The narcissist game of undermining who I think I am as a person, it is their ‘Modus Operandi’ to conquer body speech and mind then steal the soul. There are no breaks,no lulls, and there is never a time this game is not being played.
At first I didn’t notice the contempt underneath the N’s veneer, so I clung to all advice or compliments to the point that I would feel incredibly stressed without the N’s approval.
I learned that I cannot listen to what the N says even if I think it may be a compliment. This is when it is important to work on self esteem and a strong sense of self which I did not have at the time. So I began to go through the motions of doing things that built self esteem.
I always have to remember I define myself always not anyone else. I started activities where I could only build myself up. For me it was exercise, pursuing a discipline of yoga. I started small with one to two classes per week to four times per week now. Also, I love bike riding. Even a short ride could get me away from the N and help clear my head.
I want to be loved and feel close to someone I am really attracted to. Now here is the catch: when I say ‘attracted to’, I mean someone I think I am attracted to. I must remind myself how well I know the N because mostly what I am attracted to is unconscious. I am not aware of the role I am playing or the role I expect the other person to play. I am recreating a familiar situation in the present that is similar to my childhood experiences. Not everyone in a relationship with a narcissist has familiar childhood experiences. But for me when I looked at my past relationships, I noticed a similar pattern of care taking in order to not be left by my partner. I connected this to my parental models and the role I played in my family.
Also, the chemical aspect of the attraction is like heroin and just like any drug it creates a lull in the mental mind where the rational part ceases and the part of me that desperately wants to reenact (the sad neglected inner child who is not good enough) is in control of picking my partners. All of us are susceptible to this. We just have different past patterns. The more unaware I am of my past and the more I neglect this small child part of me, the needier it becomes. Then the more likely I am to repeat the past again with another scary guy at the helm of my ship. I mean would you let a toddler pick your husband?
Even if an N appears to be loving in the moment, the N won’t be loving long term and can switch moods on a dime. It is during the Devalue/Discard phase in the relationship that they begin to chase after newer shinier objects; other victims to fulfill their need for validation.
My N told me after we broke up that he never had any feelings for me. He saw the relationship like a business transaction. I found an unusual N who actually admitted truths about himself after we broke up. He pretended the feelings because he thought that was what he was supposed to do to get what he wanted.
Again an N does not think like me. In fact it is questionable if my ex N felt anything beyond rage and contempt. The charm and good looks wear off fast and I was left with a very sick and sad person. The worst part of it is I blamed myself for not being good enough.
AGAIN I REPEAT: Do not go to fixing, helping, and explaining. Ns will suck you in. This will result in basically explaining away all of their negative treatment. Receiving help from me was typically used in this manner. George K. Simon discusses in his book regarding dealing with disturbed characters, “Help is not chasing after someone to give them something we think is of value even when they haven’t asked for it and show no appreciation for it.” He goes on to explain that in offering help to someone who shows no willingness to change and has probably already heard the same thing many times, we inevitably end up in a position to be hurt and increase their ability to continue their bad behavior.
I choose men that need my help. According to my therapists, I fear real intimacy. The therapists say I feel unworthy of it in my own right, so this working and care taking, hitting my head against a wall of sheer impossibility is like crack to me. I see someone floundering and he is attractive. This lights my need to feel indispensable by fixing and helping. It creates a bond of attachment and dependency that many times I misinterpret as love or connection. The minute I find myself having discussions about bad childhoods, or really bad horrible traumas or mean exes or scary drug addictions especially mixed with bad behavior (e.g. lying, withholding pertinent information, sex addiction) is a signal to me that I should be walking away not helping.
We all have baggage. The N has to take care of his. The best way to take care of him anyway is to be strong and centered and to not feed bad behavior through my pattern of care taking behaviors. Be ready to walk away in face of bad behavior because it is not worth it.
Trying to help will make the behavior worse. Let me repeat this to myself because it is a very important point: helping him will hurt me and make him worse.
In my relationship with N there was constant crisis. He always needed something; from unrelenting emotional support to money loans. One night in the middle of winter he had driven us up to an outlet mall about 45 minutes from our home to do some Christmas shopping. On the way back we got pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper said that there was a warrant out for N’s arrest. N had thousands of dollars in unpaid parking tickets, had not paid his renewal for his car plates, and was driving with an expired driver’s license. The trooper kicked us out on the side of the freeway and told us to walk to the next rest station. It was below freezing outside. We walked to the rest station where there was still no heat and about an hour later a friend finally picked us up. The next day instead of taking care of these issues, he was driving again after getting his car out of tow. I never knew he had these tickets and we had been together for over a year. He needed help with all of these things, so I went with him to get his license and lent him money for the towing. This was just icing on the cake. The lies, rage and withholding of information only continued to get worse after this.
If I find myself in this situation again, I will try to notice how much he blames me and how often I believe him. If my self talk becomes the following: ‘the problems in the relationship are my fault and there is tons of stuff wrong with me’, it is time to take a trip, get on a bus, or go to a friend’s house. Take a break in anyway possible.
I was so focused on N and his behavior that I never checked in with myself. I wanted to know whether N’s motivation was conscious or not? I wanted to predict his behavior, control it or in desperation attempt to get back the initial charming soul mate from the beginning of the relationship. I wanted to help him so much, so that he would never leave me.
I never looked at myself and asked why I was doing what I was doing. Why am I so exhausted and why are things getting worse? I needed to turn the lense on myself and look at my fears of abandonment and willingness to fix this relationship at the cost to myself; instead of heading straight down the road paved with previous codependents’ flesh and blood all sacrificed on the altar of N’s confused emptiness.
This is a most important rule for me to remember when an N is having a meltdown. For this rule to be applied, means I had to develop some awareness of the fact that the N does not think like me, wants to control the situation and get me to only believe their version of events. I must have compassion for myself, so that I don’t get sucked in. I am focused and taking care of my feelings first.I am holding to my belief that I am not on the planet to spend a lot of energy figuring out someone else’s stuff.
When N’s have meltdowns it is called narcissistic rage due to a narcissistic injury. Narcissistic rage is triggered by some perceived threat usually an insult or criticism that causes an injury. A typical N will react to any perceived threat in an out of control manner. They always assume the other person has hostile intention.
When people are angry, it is usually better to wait and talk when everyone has calmed down.The difference with an N is that to go through a discussion about the meltdown, argument or their bad behavior even if everybody has calmed down will result in the non-N questioning their sanity.
Gaslighting (a term for the psychological means of getting a person to question their own sanity) is a powerful method used by the N. This is a popular tool in the N toolbox. The way my N typically gaslighted was by withholding information, changing the subject, and denying something ever happened. What caused me the most confusion was the gaslighting combined with saying something to cut me down like ‘You are really selfish to think like that.’ or ‘You yelled at me and are always on me’ and ‘I don’t have a moment to breathe because you are so needy’ or ‘You have a problem with your temper.’ All of those statements have a grain of truth some bigger grains than others, so I would look at my own behavior and then blame myself for whatever happened.
Maintaining this rule prevents me from getting into discussions where I defend myself or believe what the N wants me to think about myself. It is preferable to avoid discussions or lectures with an N anyway, but if I am in an unfortunate situation of having a discussion with an N, I keep my sentences short and to the point with no emotion. For example “You can have your feelings. It is ok. I do not agree with your version of reality. I have a different one.” Then end the discussion and walk away or keep repeating the above statements to them no matter what they say. Now the statement I use above can increase rage and confrontation, so it is better to walk away fast. If I cannot walk away then it is better to say something like “It is ok to have your feelings. Yes I hear you.” The N wants to be perceived as perfect, so they can feel safe again. Anything other than calmly agreeing with them will usually incite more rage.
It is a waste of time to discuss emotions with an N. They will not hear you because for them it is all about power and control, so discussions about another person’s feelings, wants, opinions, and thoughts are perceived as a threat to them. It is all about the N. Also, they will interpret any question regarding their own behavior as criticism and will act out defensively until they feel safe and in control.
This rule may be more applicable a bit later in a relationship with a narcissist. After all of the idealizing and excess effort to win your soul (the Idealization Phase), the narcissist will begin the next phase typically called the Devalue phase, it is the point in the relationship where the mask really slips and they start showing their true colors.
They will try to get away with giving the least amount to the relationship as possible, just enough to keep you hooked. The beginning of this phase is also a good time to walk away. Although, anytime is a good time to walk away. There is no reason to accept the crumbs. The only reason they even give crumbs is to break you down, so that you will let them get away with everything. It is only going to get worse from here.
N’s process of getting me to accept crumbs was very gradual. N used intermittent love and affection; giving less and less positive attention over time. He blamed me for all of his bad behaviors convincing me I deserved less and less. He would give a merciless punishment and follow it up with taking me out on the town, but then the next day he could easily unleash another punishment like silent treatment.
For example, one night, still early on in our relationship, N took me to the opera. It was something I love to go out and do. He made a big show of it, even suggesting we go in the first place, going out of his way to find out when the show was, getting tickets and making a romantic night out. Two days later he was picking up another woman in a bar. It took me a while to find out he was betraying me. These great nights on the town became fewer and fewer, just enough to keep me hooked.
His charm for me was like a vacuum. It sucked me into N’s empty universe where my friendship and laughter filled him for a moment. He sucked me dry and then moved on to the next shiny object usually another woman. When I think of him now I picture him with his head floating above his body like a giant helium balloon. Instead of gaining a broader view above ground, he is always floating above reality. I remember him flirting with me in the beginning and recall him behaving this way with other women, but I was too lulled by his charm that I chose to believe I was special.
The most important thing for me to remember is Ns do not think like other people at all. When they do something loving there is a reason for it and they do just enough to keep the relationship going. Ultimately, I was only an object to N. He just wanted to do whatever he wanted and would get rid of me if I was in the way.
If you notice this pattern in your relationship; the giving is less and less and trying to convince you that is what you deserve, you may have an N on your hands.
It is better to not see the crumbs as proof of anything. Ns can’t make up for bad behavior anyway because they don’t have any remorse. I needed to see bad behavior as bad behavior. Can taking me out to dinner multiple times really make up for constant lying, betrayal or lack of empathy and blaming me for everything?
Rule # 2 Always hold compassion for myself
Try not to judge. Shut that critical voice down. A judgmental critical voice does not allow me to have any real insight or clarity and that is what I am after. Judgement causes suffering in all of its ugly forms. Also, I do not want to allow anyone to become a negative mirror to me. This means a person who reflects back my bad feelings and beliefs about myself. I may not even be aware that I even have these thoughts and feelings because I am not observing or tuning into myself (recall rule #1).
If I do not have compassion for myself, then I allow another person to reflect back my negative beliefs and feelings and believe them. The effects of this is I try to get love and approval from somebody else, giving away my power to the other person and allowing them to take my energy.
One of the ways I generate compassion for myself is through meditation. I will sit for a few minutes and picture a white light enveloping me and think of a moment I feel really loving like when I hang out with my two little nephews that I absolutely adore. When I feel like I am being hard on myself, I reflect back on the white light and a joyful moment. Also, mantras and positive affirmations can be helpful, but I use these with a nonjudgmental mind not attempting to override a negative thought or feeling. So again Tara Brach’s RAIN technique is helpful here too (the A for allow things to be). Taking time for myself is important. Doing loving and caring things like exercise, eating healthy food, spending time in nature, gardening, massage, buying myself flowers or candles, taking baths, and spending time with a good friend or family member.
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