Survival at its fittest

4 years ago I was a childless 39 year old woman who lived alone! My parents got me a goldfish because I was going through a divorce and they were worried about me being alone. I kept it alive for almost 4 years. I remember hauling the tank over to friends’ homes whenever I went out of town for a few days. The dirty fish water sloshed onto the floor of my car. Probably cut several years off of the poor creature’s life. I should have just had someone come to my place to feed it once a day, but I didn’t want the fish to mostly be alone for all of the days I was gone. I didn’t get another fish for the tank because I was never convinced that my goldfish wanted to share the tank. He or she seemed perfectly content on its own.

When bad things have happened to me I usually wallow for a bit in my misery and then try to come up with solutions. I believe I have had the typical dose of bad crap in life from my parents divorce to my own divorce. I battled with painful health issues for over 2 years in my late 30’s. But overall I kept on. I did not lose my world or myself. I kept my job, my friends, my life mostly intact throughout my mishaps. I hurt. I was miserable at times, but I knew I was going to come out of it and be ok. I had a history of alcohol abuse especially during my divorce, so when I started having health problems I sobered up and changed my diet. I still smoked occasionally, but nothing like I used to. Gradually, I got healthier and this gave me a great deal of confidence. I had learned a tremendous amount about physical balance in the body. I loved the feeling of calm I got from taking such good care of myself. I biked everywhere and that became my regular exercise. I meditated daily for about 10 minutes. I took a writing class. Made some new friends. I had financial stability. I had  been single for over two years and was enjoying it. I had some trips planned with friends. I was in the perfect place in my life to welcome a new relationship with a man who would forever change my life. What I didn’t know at the time was that maybe like my goldfish I was perfectly content being on my own.

I hope you can follow me on this very crooked path of hard won transformation as I separate myself from an extremely abusive relationship with a narcissist. It wasn’t until I was untethered from this relationship that I realized I did not know the person I married. And even worse I did not know myself. He sucked the life out of me until I felt forced to choose between living and dying. Anytime I got a bit of strength back in me he came back for more and the destruction happened all over again. He was like a vampire and I was his highly tolerant, empathic victim desperate for love and approval, willing to feed him my life blood; he held all of me in the palm of his hand. At the time I had no idea what was happening and I certainly would not have claimed I was being abused. I had no idea what trauma and abuse can do to a person, but I would find out.

I would like to use blog posts to describe my journey not unlike Echo’s story of suffering and disappearance, but that it is possible to have a better life after loving a narcissist. Yes I went through an incredibly destructive relationship, had tremendous difficulty leaving, and establishing no contact. I traversed a variety of avenues of healing and recovery and have struggled with discipline and effort. I will explain what worked for me, what didn’t and why. Also, I would love to hear from anyone in the world. Any and all comments are welcome.

 

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